“I wish I could tell thirteen-year-old me it does get better.”
The Big Bang Theory Season 5, Episode 1
Bully for Me, Bully for You
by Frank Beghin
"sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me"
and yet ...
and yet ...
their taunts dig into my skin like bristly thorns
tearing at my flesh
there’s no blood
of course there’s no blood
but I still bleed –
Freak!
Loser!
Queer!
words meant to bring me down
truthful or not, harmful or not
but seeds of doubt have been planted
and the self-loathing begins ...
my bullies tower over me like biblical giants –
where’s David when you need him –
and I whither before their numbers
they are legion, while I am alone
trapped in my own isolation ...
13 reasons?
Hell, I could give you a 100!
but who’d miss me if I were gone?
my parents?
a few teachers?
one or two sympathizers?
I come to a crossroads
and my path is unclear;
a shadowy figure waits for me
hungry for my soul
don’t be drawn by its allure,
(a voice whispers in my ear)
it’s true, I can feel it,
an eerie attraction
to its Siren’s call ...
no more worries
no more humiliation
no more sinking feeling in my stomach
every time I go to school,
yeah, I can see the allure
but one thing gets my goat –
heh, now I sound like my dad –
the bullies win
if I go down that dark path,
the bullies win ...
not only would I be a loser,
I’d be a quitter too
and the Lord hates quitters
(another one of my dad’s sayings)
knock me down,
bloody my nose,
but I will get back up!
I’d rather be a glutton for punishment
than a quitter!
so where does that leave me now?
stuck with the hand I’m dealt, I guess:
I could speak out, ask for help
but what’s that gotten me in the past?
a temporary breather?
a false hope?
no, I’m alone with no one to support me
they say everyone’s a hero in their own story
so what’s my story?
am I a hero – I don’t feel like one –
or am I just a foil in this tapestry called life?
I guess only time will tell ...
until then, I wait for the next round of cards
and hope for a better hand.
Frank Beghin is a University of Toronto graduate, married father of two, and a writer of literary fiction and poetry. His family is his joy and inspiration.
